(no subject)

[deannawol]

I know I can be neurotic at times... I try not to be but sometimes it sneaks through. It's been a week since the doctor drew blood for "complicated tests" and a week since I got xrays of my hands and my cervical spine. Been having bad pains in my hands, radiating up to my elbows. At times, I can't write, or hold a pen or type... But I push through it and keep doing it anyway because I can't afford to take time off from work and rest and I can't just sit there doing nothing. So I do some work and then rest, do some more work and rest... So far, last Sunday was my worst day. I could barely hold a pen and that was after taking Neurofen. It's been progressively getting worse for the past few weeks and I have to admit I'm getting worried. And it's not just because of the pain... It's because of the unknown. I have a tendancy to think the worst... And at the moment that is linking the pains in my hands with the ones in my back and knees. I've had joint pains for years and muscle pains, from tendonitis to pulled muscles to various different things. I know for a fact that I have weak muscles beside my knees and degrading cartiledge in the join there and sometimes my knee completely locks out and won't unlock (i.e. bend) for anything between 15 minutes to 2 hours. But I don't want to think about the same happening to my elbows or hands but it's where my mind is going. In my mind, the logical part of it anyway is thinking RSI or Carpal Tunnel - the two likely causes and of those RSI is more likely - but the insane part of me is jumping to all sorts of horrible and illogical things. *sigh* I hate my brain at times but for the next week and a half I have to sit here and let my brain exercise itself by jumping. I hate it. I hate that I couldn't get the doctor to explain the tests and what he was testing for. "Complicated tests" does not help me stay calm. *forces self to be calm* A week and a half of my neuroses driving me insane! Wonderful!

Course right now, I'm pretty much in complete pain today. My guts are all knotted up and making me want to bend over and scream but like so many things, I'm not giving into it. My back is in agony and I felt something give in it yesterday night. The entire right side of my body was in extreme agony. Tears were running down my face and it wasn't just from what I was watching. And for the week, I'm alone in my house and I hate it. Every night I'm going to be scared. I play a good game of pretending to be a strong hard bitch but well... I'm not. I'm really not. I get pissed at people when I'm in pain and I'm in pain more often than not. I stopped taking painkillers unless I have to spend time with people or it gets in the way of my ability to function. I hate it. I really hate it. Sure some of it is down to my weight. I know that and I want to change it but I don't know how. I'm not strong enough to do it. *sigh* Would one day without a headache or a backache or a kneeache or some kind of ache would be nice. Ya know? *sigh* And really soon would be good, ya hear that body?